The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than
me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so
difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major
argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each
question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking
about?
The proper answer to this, of course,
is: "I' m sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how
lucky I am to have met you." This
response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the
following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than
you.
e. How I would spend the
insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this
question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg, "If I wanted you
to know what I was thinking, I would
be talking to you!" )
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES !" or, if
you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate
responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if
I said yes?
c. That depends on what you
mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but
you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good
on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance
money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's
prettier than me? Once again, the
proper response is an emphatic: "Of
course not!" Incorrect responses
include:
a. Yes, but you have a better
personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely
thinner
c. Not as pretty as you, when you
were her age
d. Define 'pretty'
e. Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance
money if you died.
Question #5 : What would you do if I
died?
A definite no-win question. (The real
answer, or course, is "Buy a
Corvette." )
No matter how you answer this, be
prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along the
these lines:
She....Would you get married again?
He.... .Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being
married?
He.... .Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you
remarry?
He.... .Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look
on her face)
He.... .Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our
bed?
He.... .Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my
pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
He.... .That would seem like the proper
thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my
golf clubs?
He.... .She can' t use them; she's left-
handed.
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